Desperate otters turn to cute-based crime in the struggling economy

It's so nice to be walking alone in nature, without a care in the wor- AHH! Why is that thing so pink! DOES IT HAVE EYES?? What do you want? No, just don't hurt me, please. THAT'S ALL THE FISH I HAVE ON ME, I SWEAR. What? Okay, you can have the beer, too, just point that fucking thing somewhere else. Ugh. I feel so dirty. I don't care how low I get, I'm never waving my baby in an otter's face. But I guess that's what separates us from the animals. We have moral standards. Then again, it's so easy to get a baby otter nowadays, I'm surprised this sort of thing doesn't happen more often. Look, I'm not saying otters shouldn't be allowed to have babies for personal protection in their own homes, but you have to draw the line somewhere, or otters are just going to have babies left and right, and some of them are going to get into the wrong hands. Now I have to go cancel my credit cards and take a shower.

Goddammit, Eel, I'm just trying to do a little snorkeling here. Don't act like I came all the way over here to chill with your green ass, you Barney-looking motherfucker. You know what friends do for each other, Eel? They help you move to a new apartment, they give you high fives, and they say things like "Here, lemme get that for you." ARMS SOUND MUCH BETTER NOW, DON'T THEY EEL? So sorry to burst your bubble here, Eel, but maybe next time you'll wait until you have an actual reason to get excited.

This always happens with eels, you know, you take a wrong turn at the reef, and all of the sudden you are hanging out with a fucking eel that is telling you stories about his day and pulling out his keyboard to show you a new song he wrote about his ex-girlfriend. Well I'm not going to pretend like I'm enjoying myself, I've got more important shit to do. For example, later today I plan on going to the aquarium and mellowing out some egos. NO YOU CAN'T COME EEL. It's personal.

I've got an eel in my pants with only one eye... Won't someone give it a dark, wet crevice in which to stay?

Psst...I hear you can push hemorroids back up there.....